Seeking Counsel

I often find myself attempting to help an individual or family resolve a crisis that could have been avoided. Although we are conditioned to be independent, we can sometimes avoid emotional, financial and moral upheaval by seeking advice at an early stage of our challenging predicament. We are fortunate to live in a community with individuals and institutions positioned to help those in need. Although there are no simple solutions to complex issues, this article will attempt to describe a mindset that may be helpful to some people. There should be no shame in reaching out for help. We need to continue to create a culture that doesn’t see unemployment or others challenges as a cause for embarrassment.

Beginning in Sefer Bireishit, the Torah acknowledges the value of seeking advice and counsel: Hashem “takes counsel” with the angels to model for us how to manage significant decisions in life (see Rashi on Bireishit 1:26). This is not meant to dismiss the autonomy of each individual, but to provide another option worth considering. A trustworthy advisor may see aspects of our problems or thought processes that we may not see ourselves. From showing how Moshe benefited from the recommendations of his father-in-law Yitro, to depicting how Esther and Mordechai leaned on each other for additional insights, the Torah is filled with narratives of great individuals seeking and benefiting from outside guidance. The Mishna in Avot 2:7 stipulates that guidance helps generate more self-knowledge and awareness. Obviously the quality of this support must be evaluated. While advice givers are not infallible, those without specific agendas or rigid ideologies can greatly help individuals or families in distress.

With the high cost of an Orthodox lifestyle, more families should consider ways to properly manage their finances. Turning to experts in the field would help avoid some of the calamities that develop if a family member loses a job or the family fails to make ends meet. In addition to helping a family objectively and honestly evaluate its expenses, revenue, and standard of living, and devising a financial plan, an outside advisor could help that family negotiate difficult times that cannot always be avoided. Understandably, families are reluctant to reveal their financial conditions to outside advisors, whether through pride or embarrassment, but the long term benefits of seeking guidance will not only help that family but will relieve pressure on communal funds. Of course, if crisis does strike, individuals can and should turn to the community. However, a communal institution such as Project Ezrah would be even more helpful in the long term if called to intervene earlier rather than later in a crisis. Our own Keter Torah Business Initiative group is an attempt to have members help members. None of us should feel the pressure to undergo expenditures that are beyond our means; this includes smachot, kiddushim, etc...

Many individuals and families could also benefit from psychological support. The common pressures of everyday life, unfortunate tragedies, and biological makeup are just some of the factors contributing to emotional stress. While I am not a trained psychologist, at times I perceive people in need refusing to seek professional help. Seeking help to manage difficult periods in one’s life should be praised as strength of character, not stigmatized as weakness. Rabbonim and school administrators often have access to professionals who could help individuals. Again, early intervention may avoid crisis management.

Lastly, spiritual counsel is also important. Without dealing with the topic of Daat Torah, I wish to emphasize that an objective, well-intentioned, and sensitive religious guide may often be beneficial. I have personally benefited from having a Rav to whom I turn to not only for Halachic decisions, but to discuss “ruchniyut” issues. I am not looking to him to prescribe or mandate a course of conduct for me, but to discuss and contemplate personal and communal issues. The Yomim Noraim are a good time for a spiritual checkup. We should beware of the ever increasing cadre of charlatans who issue “free” religious advice, which carries a heavy price tag, and without truly knowing the contributor in front of them. Some of these characters have wreaked havoc in some communities.

I once heard Rav Aharon Lichtenstein explain the Mishna of “Asei Lecha Rav: Make for Yourself a Rav” (Avot 1:6) as a charge to seek counsel, not necessarily from one teacher but from a specialist in a particular field. We should continue to be independent minded while simultaneously being courageous and humble enough to look to others for assistance. This can ultimately strengthen our level of self-sufficiency while avoiding crisis. Hashem should bless us with good insights, close advisors, and healthy lives.

Kol Tuv

Shalom Baum